The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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