a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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