Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
