I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
