Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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