Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
