I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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