Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Found your dick twin last night
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
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