Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
