new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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