I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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