its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
