Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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