dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
you guys were way drunker than both of me
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize