You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
