sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
