I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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