Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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