I wannas sexs uuuuu
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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