his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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