my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
