Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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