You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
