I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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