I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
