you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
