hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
