tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
