I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
