keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
