If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
