If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize