He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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