I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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