I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
