A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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