Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
How naked do you want me to be?
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