My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
