I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
That was an excessively violent trivia night
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
