I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
