I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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