She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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