Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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