Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
