I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
