Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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