Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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