Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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