I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
