I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
