I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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