I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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