my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Randomize
