dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize