why didn't you poke me back
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
