Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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