Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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