everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
