I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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