Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize