i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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