I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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