I wish my penis had an off switch
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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