Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
