Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
