she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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